Important Things
by DundieAllStar
Summary: Ryan needs to make some changes. There is no balance between the two lives he wants. Ryan/Jim  *Chapter 2: Second Place*
1. Important Things

_Hey there! So I've been experimenting with this idea for a while now, I finally drummed up the effort to put my ideas down. I've got a few chapters up my sleeve and I've probably borrowed some ideas from my own previous (dead) story. I hope you enjoy. Please review. I'm still new to this and I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism if there are some glaring problems that would prove embarrassing for any decent writer. _

_Read. Enjoy. Review. Come back for Chapter 2!_

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><p>The familiar tone that played from his phone sounded like the blasting from an air horn in the completely silent and dark house. Jim tossed in his bed and blindly reached for his phone. "Hello?" he groaned, his face still half buried in a pillow.<p>

"_Were you sleeping?"_ Ryan asked with a raised voice, trying to talk over the loud music in the background. Jim could tell he was drunk, he knew exactly what kind of call this was.

"Where are you?" he sighed. The clock on the side table read 2:04. He sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "It's 2 in the morning Ryan."

"_It's not my fault,"_ Ryan said defensively. Jim rolled his eyes as he rolled out of bed, _"This fucking idiot bartender took my keys!"_

"Where are you Ryan?" he asked again, this time the note of frustration he held back before was deliberately laced in the question.

"_Poor Richards," _he replied with an apologetic tone. _"I don't have enough money to pay my bill either." _Shame filled his voice and Jim's frustration started to wane.

He pulled a black shirt over his head and reached for a pair of pants. "I'll be there in 15 minutes."

As he searched for his wallet and keys his breathing became more ragged. He was exhausted and uncertain all over again. Part of him felt the overwhelming want to help Ryan again, to be there for him when he needed it. But it didn't seem fair anymore. The man who just called him was not Jim's closest friend. He wasn't the guy who he had the most fun with, or loved hanging out with. It wasn't his roommate, it wasn't the man he'd… whatever…

If Ryan was acting this way, putting him through the ringer, making it his responsibility to clean him up and take care of him, then he clearly did not value their friendship as much as Jim did.

He gathered his keys and wallet and threw a jacket on.

_Someone_ had to help him.

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><p>"Why are you drinking? You know you're not supposed to." Jim asked as he turned the key in the ignition and flicked on the lights.<p>

"I was thirsty," said Ryan with a smug tone. He grinned as if he were the funniest person in the world. The stench of alcohol on his breath was enough to make Jim wince.

"Don't be a smart ass." Jim sighed, his bottom lip curled in anger, "You know you're not supposed to drink. How many fucking times do I have to come down here and do this with you?"

Ryan scoffed, "Can you relax? Second time, Jim."

"Fuck you," he muttered.

"Fuck you back," Ryan said softly.

They drove in silence for the next few miles. The Black Eyed Peas _'I Got A Feeling'_ started playing on the radio, enough to make Ryan snarl a string of vulgarities and turn the car radio off. Jim involuntarily smiled to himself. Ryan noticed.

"I'm sorry," he said as he shut his eyes and curled onto his left side, "Thank you."

Jim's smile stayed in place as he took a quick glance at his drunk friend, "It's okay."

"I'll work on the drinking too," he said quietly. He winced at the words that fell out of his mouth. He hated the thought of wanting his friend's approval. He sat back up in place and looked at Jim, "I really will."

Jim's hands flexed the steering wheel as he stopped the car at a red light. He looked into the tired blue eyes. He wanted to tell Ryan that it was okay, that he'd be okay and everything would be fine. He wanted to leave him alone, but he couldn't. "It's a slippery slope, Ryan. You need to just stop."

He sighed, "I know-"

"Do you?" Jim asked, the ugly note of frustration reared it's ugly head again, "What happens if I'm not around to pick you up? Or pay your bar tab?"

Ryan looked away from his friend and back out the window as the car started off again, "Are you kicking me out?" he asked, feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness wash over him.

"No." The answer was quick and emphasized, "You're just…" Jim lost his words, his thoughts trailed back a month earlier when Ryan had handed him the baggie of cocaine he had purchased, begging Jim to destroy it for him. He fell back into his seat and steered the car with one hand, resting his free hand in his own lap, "After what happened… the drugs, and tonight… I just think you need to talk to someone."

Ryan scoffed, "Like who?"

"Go to a meeting," Jim said, a note of urgency in his voice, "Talk to your parents, maybe they'll-"

"They don't want anything to with me Jim!" he snapped, his voice raised much higher than usual, "You know that! Don't call them because they don't want me around anymore!"

Jim slammed the steering wheel with his free hand, "Then stop this shit!" he yelled. Ryan fell back into his seat and stared at his feet. "You're scaring the shit out of me! This ends tonight!"

"Okay." Ryan's voice was soft and hurt.

The car pulled up on the driveway. Ryan slowly exited the car, waiting for Jim to look at him. He hated himself for hurting the only person in the world who wanted to take care of him. Jim locked the car as Ryan unlocked the door and held it open for the taller man.

"Jim, please don't be mad at me," he said softly as he closed the door and slowly kicked off his shoes. "I can't stand it when you're mad at me."

Jim hung his jacket on the coat rack and turned on the hallway light, "Just sleep it off okay? You'll feel better in the morning." He smiled at Ryan and clapped a hand around his shoulder before saying goodnight and retreating to his bedroom.

Ryan's coat joined Jim's on the rack. He walked through the dark house to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He leaned up against the counter and slowly sipped his drink. He smiled to himself as he recalled the last few months.

He left his glass in the sink before walking down the hallway to the master bedroom. He pushed the door open and smiled to see Jim watching the Tivo'd highlights of the Eagles game. "Can't sleep?"

Jim ran a hand through his dark locks, "Nope."

"Me either," he replied. He unbuckled his jeans and unbuttoned his black shirt before discarding them on the floor and crawling into the bed. Jim used the remote to turn the TV off, Ryan tugged at his shirt and placed a light kiss on his lips, "Can I sleep in here tonight?" he asked, spreading his legs apart and straddling Jim's hips. Their foreheads pressed together. He gasped as he felt Jim's hardness pressing in on his own. He took the man's hand and moved it to rest underneath the elastic of his boxers as he covered the man's mouth with his own. The kiss was passionate and long. Jim started panting as the kiss lasted a little longer than it was supposed to. It was exactly what they both wanted.

Jim's free hand moved to cup his ass as Ryan tugged down his boxers. He broke their kiss. Their eyes met, even in the darkness of the room, Jim could see how vulnerable Ryan was. His gaze lingered on the hardened length, he removed his hand and reached forward, grabbing Ryan by the shoulders as the smaller man leaned in for another kiss, "Not tonight, okay?"

He felt his face burn in humiliation. He quickly tugged up his boxers and climbed off the taller man. Jim grabbed his arm, their eyes locked. He adored those big blue eyes. "Don't you want me?"

The man leaned in for another kiss. He cupped the smaller man's jaw as his lips partially parted. "How could I not? I always want you," he mumbled into Ryan's lips, "Just not when your this wasted." He lowered his head and nuzzled his neck gently. Ryan enjoyed the feel of the man's stubble on his neck.

He laid back down. Jim tugged him close to his side, rolling him over to face him. He smiled when Jim took his hand gently, lacing their fingers together. "I'm kind of embarrassed right now."

Jim smiled, "Why?"

"Because a minute ago I just had my dick out," he chuckled.

Jim smirked at him, "Is this a ploy to get me into bed?"

"I've already got you in bed Halpert."

"It's not a contest," Jim laughed softly.

"It's called _scoring_ for a reason," Ryan said with a laugh.

"Ryan," Jim said, pulling him in tighter and pressing their foreheads together, "Is this because of me or what's been happening with us?"

The change of tone in the conversation took him slightly off guard. He shook his head as Jim buried his face in the black hair and inhaled deeply, "No." He released his hand from Jim's, "You wouldn't understand. Sometimes it's just easier to feel nothing, then feel like a 31 year old temp who's failed at everything he's ever tried."

"Shut up," Jim mumbled, "That's a fucking stupid thing to say."

Ryan sighed as he rolled over and squeezed the arms that remained locked around his waist, "Yeah right."

"Stop talking shit Howard," Jim said, clearly annoyed, "You're so fucking awesome, you don't even know it." He squeezed Ryan tighter. "You're stronger than you know. Why can't you see that?"

He knew why. He rolled his eyes, "You're so lame." The remark felt good coming out of his mouth. After all, he needed to say something to make Jim's kind words sound less important than they were, he didn't believe a word of them.

His eyes shut while he pressed his face to the nape of the man's neck. His words started to slow down, his voice got softer. "I think about you, and everything we've been talking about lately…"

"About us?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

He smiled as he craned his head to see Jim fast asleep. He squeezed the man's arms and closed his eyes. He pushed the idea of unwrapping himself from the tall man, walking to his bedroom and snorting a line of cocaine from his mind. He wanted to get better. He wanted to stop what he was doing before it spun out of control all over again. He wanted to lie in Jim's strong arms. He wanted to so badly.

Once his bare feet felt the carpet and started moving, he knew he couldn't go back. He remembered what Jim had told him about being strong, he truly hated himself for what he was doing. The nagging inside was too powerful and annoying. He couldn't control himself. He couldn't beat it. He padded down the hallway to his bedroom, as he rifled through his bookshelf, he wondered if he really ever had control over his addiction? He was clean for just over a measly year. He remembered how proud his parents were, how proud Jim was and how proud he was of himself.

As he used the spine of a small book to shape the powder into two thick, long lines and prepared to snort it, he realized there was never anything to be proud of. He was back to his old ways, and somehow, that was okay. Jim didn't have to know. He could control himself around him, and he could control his use of the drug too. He wasn't _addicted_ in the sense that he _needed_ it. He was a consenting adult. He could do whatever he wanted. Besides, it was only the sixth time he had used in the last month. He could stop anytime he wanted.

He shouldn't have gone to Jim the first time. He went to him, begged him to remove the temptation, only to cave in the very next night. Now Jim was worried and suspicious. His big mouth and desire to change had screwed him. He knew he shouldn't try to change. He was what he was. He was an addict. For a few moments, his justifications eased him up, even though deep down he knew it was all a lie. He knew he was pathetic.

It was how it started the first time. Cocaine seemed like his oldest friend. He sat down at his desk and snorted the first line. The powder was sucked through his left nostril. The burn of it felt utterly sensational. Not like the first time he tried it when he coughed and spluttered like an old car.

The drug was good for him. It made him feel powerful when he was in a position of power, but failing at his job. It made him feel secure and confident, because he knew he wasn't. It gave him the energy to keep up with the demanding job he wasn't prepared for. In the end it cost him everything, and now he was back again.

It started to drip down the back of his throat. Ryan's nose hovered over the other line and he snorted it all at once through his right nostril. The two thick lines had disappeared. Two lines, three inches long. They had grown from four small lines, which had grown from two. Just like the first time his addiction grew.

He smiled to himself. His heart gradually started to increase speed. He felt euphoric and energized. It was excellent. It was almost worth breaking his word to Jim.

He wasn't prepared to ask himself what would happen if Jim found out what he was doing. As far as Jim was concerned, he just had a little bender, nothing to worry about, he was fine. It was all he needed to know. Ryan's face scrunched in anger when he imagined Jim's reaction, as if he had the right to tell him what to do. They had been fucking for a couple of weeks now, they hadn't made any rules, so why was he keeping the secret?

Because what he was doing was wrong. No matter how badly he wanted it to be okay.

It would all be fine, as long as he had Jim. Jim would protect him, take care of him, no matter what they were, whatever they were.


	2. Second Place

**_Hey everyone, I'm back with another chapter. It took me a while to figure out exactly when this story takes place, so I've decided somewhere in Season 7 (In case you were looking for a rough estimate) This chapter was originally longer with a back story that involved Pam and Jim, but the relationship on the show is so solid, it takes a genius to deconstruct it and make it believable. I am not a genius, so I'm leaving it up to you to decide what happened. This chapter sheds some more light on the events prior to those in the first chapter._**

**_If you are not a fan of slash, please don't read. If you are not a fan of slash, but you decide to read this story anyway, don't complain that I just made you read slash. You have been warned again and again. This chapter contains slash and a fair amount of smut.  
><em>**

**_Thanks for your reviews, please keep them coming. I'm still new to this so constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks._**

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><p>"Are you going to work like that?" Ryan remarked, frown in place as he poured out his half full mug of stone cold coffee. He rinsed out the cup before turning to see Jim lean over the counter, dark circles underneath his eyes combined with a five o' clock shadow and uncombed hair were out of place at 8:15 in the morning, but Ryan knew why.<p>

Jim buried his face in his palms and sighed, "I'm not going to work today. I've got to sort all of this out-"

"Fine." Ryan shook his head to himself, wanting so badly to be as far away from the man and conversation as possible. "I'm going to work."

He stared after him, mouth gaping, unsure of what to say or do, "Can you just be a little late? Can't we talk about this?"

Ryan turned, avoiding the baffled man's stare, "What's to talk about? You've got stuff to sort out, it doesn't involve me."

"Yes. It does, you know it does."

"I'm telling you right now, it doesn't," Ryan snarled, "You've made your choice already and I know it. That's why I don't want to talk to you, so don't talk to me."

Ryan hid himself in his bedroom. He kicked the door close behind him causing it to slam shut louder than he intended, but he was angry. It had been 6 days since he had used anything. He was waiting to hit 7, he was so close too. It didn't matter. He didn't care. All he cared about was something to take the edge off, to make him feel good again. For the last 6 days it was Jim, now it was safe to say they were well and truly over.

He resolved to himself that if he were to start using again, he would be careful about it. He'd been addicted before and grew tired of the constant excuses he would make to justify his actions. He accepted there was a problem, but maybe his narcotics anonymous group were wrong. Maybe admitting he was helpless - Step 1 was untrue. He was addicted, yes. But his addiction - in his mind was manageable. He only needed enough to get by, numb the pain and conceal the affects.

As he tapped the contents of the bag, making a tiny pile in the middle of his thumb and index finger where the knuckles met, he snorted the small amount of cocaine, hoping it would be enough to get him through the morning. He promised himself some more later in the day if he really needed it. He packed the baggie into his bag before checking for residue in the mirror.

"_It's starting," _he thought quickly before pushing it out of his mind. Checking his nose was an involuntary habit after the drug entered his system. The paranoia of some of the dust being seen on his nose or upper lip - or even coming out his nostril drove him crazy back in New York. It was a mark on the map of a terrible place he didn't know whether or not he wanted to return to. But he was.

He knew two things. Jim was to blame for this, and he wouldn't allow himself any more that day.

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><p>"<em>I did something stupid," Ryan said under his breath. He pulled the tiny baggie of cocaine out of his pocket and placed it on the kitchen counter. Jim crossed his arms and leaned back against the fridge while Ryan tried to stare at anything besides the drug or his friend. "I didn't use any of it. With everything that's been happening… Just thought it might take some of the stress away."<em>

_Jim nodded. Ryan could tell he was trying his best to be supportive, even though he knew all the man wanted to do was berate him. "You didn't do anything. It's fine. You came to me." He picked up the baggie and held it tightly in his hand. "Do you want me to get rid of it?"_

"_Yeah," he replied, "I won't be able to."_

_Jim patted him on the back, first it was half hearted, then Ryan noticed how his hand lingered a little longer than it probably should have. He watched as Jim emptied the tiny packet into the sink and turned the faucet on. He left it running just in case. Watching it wash away brought a pang of fear to Ryan. But it was best to remove the temptation and nip the problem in the bud. He stood and walked over to where Jim was standing. He peered into the sink to confirm the powder was gone._

"_Do you want to talk about it?" Jim asked, crossing his arms._

_Ryan shook his head slowly. Even though he remained clean, he still felt as if he'd thrown away close to two years of complete sobriety. Deep down he knew it wouldn't be long until he did something to really cross that line. Nothing was stopping him, he'd already thrown it all away. He didn't know if he hated himself, or hated Jim for taking it away._

_Jim rested his hand on Ryan's shoulder, "Just come to me if you ever feel like you're going to slip okay?"_

_Ryan nodded, "Thanks."_

_He wondered if Jim's care was genuine, or if he was silently judging him. He wanted to tell himself that Jim was different, but he'd been burnt before, he had a hard time believing anyone could see him as anything less than a fuck up. His breathing started to intensify as his desire to feel the rush of the drug grew. He didn't want to feel worthless or unwanted anymore. It was killing him._

_Jim's hand was still on his shoulder, rubbing gently. He was surprised to see his own hand reach up and cover Jim's, he leaned in and kissed him gently. For a moment Jim almost pulled away, Ryan was pleasantly surprised that he leaned in instead. Their lips locked and he felt his eyes clothes, allowing only the sensation of taste and touch to roam freely. He didn't over think it, he just let himself feel overwhelmed at the feel of the man's nose tip pressing in on his cheek, the touch of a hand on his wrist and the exciting sensation of his flesh engorging as the kiss turned to something deeper. His lips parted and he moaned as he felt a tongue enter his mouth._

_Suddenly the kiss broke, Jim pulled away hastily and took a step back as if he had just made a big mistake. "What was that?" he asked, slightly shocked._

_Ryan too, backed up. "Sorry-I shouldn't have…" he trailed off, still shocked himself, embarrassment burning through him. "Sorry."_

_He ran a hand through his hair, before crossing his arms, then shoving his hands in his pockets, unsure of how to present himself, clearly uncomfortable, "I'll help you any way I can, you don't need to-"_

"_Look, just forget it." Talking about it was the last thing Ryan wanted to do, he just wanted to forget. He was angry with himself for making an already uncomfortable situation much more uncomfortable. "Please don't make this into a thing."_

"_It's just that, with everything that happened with Pam-"_

"_Yeah I know," Ryan said, a note of frustration in his voice, "Just forget it."_

_His posture, his tone of voice, everything indicated that Jim felt like more needed to be said or done. But Ryan had kissed him, and he didn't know if that was okay or not. There were too many complicating factors, he really didn't know what to say or do. He knew Jim wouldn't know either and the situation would just become more painful. "Okay."_

"_Okay," Ryan replied with a single nod, "Never happened."_

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><p>When Ryan closed the door behind him, he was greeted with the sight of Jim sitting in the living room. He sat on the edge of the lounge, eyes peering up with sadness in them. He felt his heart drop as he shrugged off his coat and caught the glimpse of the cell phone resting on the arm of the couch. He thought about avoiding the situation and isolating himself in his room. He'd had a lot of practice avoiding someone he shared a roof with, but it wouldn't be any help. The situation would come to a head sooner or later. He clutched his bag tightly at his side, the contents calling out to him, almost impossible to ignore. For the moment, he was okay, still content with the amount that was currently fueling his body. The temptation to have just a little more to help him through what would probably be an unpleasant situation was almost unbearable.<p>

"I didn't mean for things to get this… complicated," Jim said quietly, Ryan noticed how his eyes darted straight for his cell as his thumb massaged the space his wedding ring used to sit. He remembered the day the man had finally removed it from his finger, now he wondered when he would see it on him again, like a sign telling him he wasn't allowed to have him anymore.

Ryan rolled his eyes, "Yeah, it must suck being you," he snarled as obnoxiously as possible, cringing at the way he sounded, like a scorned lover. "When is she coming back?"

Jim opened his mouth to reply-

"Doesn't matter. I don't care." He clutched his bag tightly, "I'll be gone by next week." He turned his back as he stepped to walk away. His words fell out of his mouth sooner than he meant them to. The realization of what he said and the fear of being homeless dawned on him. The thoughts were secondary to the thought of losing Jim.

"She's not coming back," Jim said quickly, forcing Ryan to stop in his tracks and turn back around, relief immediately flowing through his body, "We're still just… talking about it."

"Talking about what?" he snapped. An angry smile grew on his face and he let out a single, miserable laugh, "What's to talk about? I'm sure you'll welcome her back with open arms, fall back in love, get married again, forget about me. I get it."

Jim frowned, "No you don't." He rose to his feet and stepped closer, Ryan noticed the slight glimpse of confusion in his eyes, "We were married. We were together for 3 years, it's not easy to throw that all away on-"

"Me? On me?" he asked bitterly, "She left you Jim! You were a fucking mess! How can you want her back after everything she put you through?" His voice got higher than he wanted it to, he hated that he was having this conversation that sounded so stupid and dramatic, he hated Pam and he hated Jim more than he ever thought possible, "What about me?"

"I don't know!" Jim's voice raised in a mix of confusion and anger. He took another step forward, reaching an arm out to touch Ryan's shoulder, only to have his arm smacked away quickly. A look of hurt passed through his eyes, despite what he was saying, the idea of not being able to touch him saddened him.

"You want to keep me on standby while you wait for her!" He yelled, jutting a finger out in an accusing motion, "If she decides not to come back, great! I get to stay, if not, who gives a shit? Right?"

"And what? I'm supposed to throw her away because a few weeks ago we-"

"A few weeks?" Ryan screamed, "Just because we haven't been fucking for six months doesn't make me an expendable pawn you asshole! You don't give a shit about anyone but… _her!_"

Jim crossed his arms and shook his head slowly, "What do you want me to say?"

He refused to let tears come, despite how hard it was, "I want you to tell me to stay here. I want you to tell me we have a future," he said, his voice betraying his appearance and faltering with every word.

Jim took his arm, "We have a future together, Ryan," he said softly, squeezing the man's arm, using his free hand to take his hand, "You're important to me. I care about you and I need you around me… I just can't promise we'll be together."

Ryan ripped his arm back, "You can't undo what happened, Jim." His lip curled in anger as he felt tears rise in his eyes, "You-we can't go back now. How the hell can you even say that?"

"I don't want to lose you," Jim said quietly, holding a hand to his forehead as the realization of losing the man's friendship dawned on him, "What am I supposed to do without you?"

"Pretend I don't exist," he snapped, finally turning and walking away.

He entered his bedroom and angrily threw his bag onto the bed. He heard Jim call his name, prompting him to slam the door shut. His eyes immediately darted from the white wooden door to the black leather messenger bag on the bed. He was already breaking his own promises and neglecting to respect the restrictions he gave himself, but he didn't care. Within seconds he was cutting a line on the desk with his library card.

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><p><em>Crammed up in a tiny stall his mind raced. His chest pressed into the woman's breasts as she moaned quietly with each thrust - Sarah? Shannon? He didn't remember. It didn't really matter, it was just a quick fix to make him feel better, the same excuse he used a few hours earlier when his body had it's first taste of the white powder for the first time in almost two years. The excess amounts of alcohol he drank released his inhibitions as the drug made him feel invincible enough to approach the smoking hot brunette in her early 20's who sat at the bar alone.<em>

_Her leg was still wrapped around his exposed ass, her head tilted back as he simultaneously pulled her hips down to meet his deep thrust. She gasped louder, he smiled, the knowledge that he could at least provide this woman with that kind of pleasure made him feel good, if only for a fleeting moment before his thoughts returned to what he had been trying to forget. Ordinarily he would have enjoyed this more, if he could stop thinking about the incredibly embarrassing night before when he bared himself to someone only to turned down. _

_He cringed as he thought about it, he opened his eyes and stared into the woman's closed ones as he continued to thrust in and out of her, but it didn't help. Of course he was supposed to act like it was an accident, he was supposed to apologize, he was supposed to be told it was okay and have the kiss reciprocated. Now he wanted to be anywhere but at that house, around his friend who he would surely lose now that he had well and truly screwed himself. _

_She moaned again, gasping louder and more frequently, he knew she was close, so was he, the tightness around his engorged flesh started to bring him closer and closer to climax, all he could think about was Jim. He closed his eyes and thought about him. He thought about how miserable he was when Pam left only months after the wedding and leaving him with a broken heart. He thought of how much Jim appreciated having him around to hang out with when she did, because he really needed a bro at that time. He thought about the kiss, how Jim tasted, what he smelt like at that moment, how his hand felt on his shoulder, how his cheek was just stubbly enough to feel the friction on his face and how he returned the kiss and groaned into his mouth. He buried his face into his own arm which he had pressed into the wall of the stall as he came, filling up the condom and trying his best to drown out the repressed panting and light moaning from the woman he wanted to forget._

_She wasn't the one who meant anything to him. _

_He pulled out of her and leaned back on the other side of the stall, watching as she pulled her panties back up underneath her black dress before smiling at him mischievously. She opened the door and walked out casually, as if nothing happened, the sound of her heels clacking against the tiled floor retreated followed by the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing behind her. _

_It didn't work. _

_His body still surged, full of energy. Emotionally, he felt exhausted. Cocaine wasn't a solution to a broken heart. He shook the thought violently from his head as those words crossed his mind. A broken heart implied a great deal of hurt or betrayal from a loved one, and although he didn't want to admit it - he cared about Jim. The thought of anyone else caring about him the way he did made him sick to his stomach. No one else deserved to. No one else would do it properly. No one else would take care of him the way Ryan would. Even Pam - who was supposed to be the love of his life, blah, blah, blah, walked out on him. Jim had been hurt too much, the thought of anyone else doing it to him, hurting his heart that way made him furious. He was better than other people. _

_He flushed the condom before leaning down to tuck himself back in and redress. Maybe he should have asked - Siobhan? Whatever-the-hell-her-name-was for a ride home?_

_Would Jim care that he just hooked up with a nameless, faceless girl? _

_The thought was almost secondary to imagining Jim's reaction upon finding out he had just thrown away his sobriety. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as he imagined. After all, Jim clearly didn't want to be with him, so would he care that much?_

_After checking his wallet and finding only $6.70, he realized he'd have to call Jim and ask him to pick him up._

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><p><em>Ryan walked through the front door to find Jim contently munching down a packet of fortune cookies, smiling to himself while reading the wise little sentence on a tiny piece of white paper before looking up and greeting him with a smile. "Hey, I got dinner."<em>

_He gaped at Jim's casual attitude before turning away and kicking off his shoes. The aroma of the Chinese food filled the air, he rubbed his shoulder indecisively, wondering whether or not he should join him and the spread of takeaway boxes on the coffee table or retreat back to his room where he had been spending most of his free time in the two days since Jim had picked him up from the bar drunk._

"_Unless you're still avoiding me?" Jim grinned, Ryan didn't know how he felt about him making a joke about the situation, let alone acknowledging it. The taller man leaned forward and picked up a box, dangling it in front of himself, "I got spring rolls? C'mon, peace offering."_

_Ryan smiled in spite of himself, he hung his jacket up by the door, though he kept his bag clutched over his shoulder, "Let me get changed."_

_Jim called to him as he walked down the hall to his bedroom, "Okay, but I'm not promising there will be anything left."_

_He felt like laughing as he closed his door until the realization of his whereabouts after work came back to the forefront of his mind. He unbuttoned his shirt and kicked off his pants before yanking on a pair of jeans and turning his attention back to his bag. He double checked to make sure the door was closed while he removed the palm sized bag of cocaine from the black leather bag. He looked around the room for a place to hide it before placing it behind four large books on his bookshelf. He didn't know what he planned to do with it yet, it just felt better knowing it was there. Security._

_He walked back through the house, joining his friend in the living room. Jim slumped down in his place on the couch, Ryan sat on the other side a few inches away, leaning forward to collect a pair of chopsticks and a box of what appeared to be kung pow chicken. He gaped as his eyes caught glance of the TV "What the hell are we watching?"_

"_Top Model," Jim chuckled with a mouthful of sweet and sour pork._

"_What is it with you and the CW? You're a grown man," Ryan said in a mocking voice, he reached for the remote, "Gimmie that."_

"_No, c'mon, I wanna see who gets eliminated," Jim pleaded, placing the remote on the other side of the coffee table, out of the man's grasp. "Okay her," Jim said, using a chopstick to point at the TV, "She had a weak photo shoot, but she won the challenge."_

Ryan shook his head and laughed as he dug through his container, "You're such a dork."

_Ryan spent the next ten minutes blatantly mocking the show, only to find himself excited that a two part, double episode was airing. They spent the next hour intensely watching as a young girl from Dallas was sent to pack her bags after finding out she would not be America's Next Top Model. Ryan was surprised and unhappy with the judge's choice, while Jim, although sad to see her exit found the ruling to be fair and just._

_It was only when Jim leaned forward and flicked the channel to Dateline that their shoulders touched and Ryan realized how close they were sitting._

_Jim's eyes remained glued on the TV as he proffered Ryan an already broken fortune cookie, fortune removed and disposed of in an empty container, Ryan wondered if it read anything like, 'You're feelings for your closest friend will intensify with every second you spend with him.' He took it from the soft hand, allowing his fingers to linger, before snapping it back to himself._

_When Jim didn't notice this, a thought occurred to him. Maybe it was better not to play with fire. He couldn't deny his feelings for him any longer. He knew they were there, he couldn't fight it. Every time Jim would smile at him, or make a stupid joke, it would mean more to him than it would to anyone else because Jim was special to him._

_But his feelings weren't reciprocated. _

_He needed to be thankful that he hadn't caused permanent damage to their relationship. He was grateful that Jim was cool enough to acknowledge the incident and make a joke about it. With that single gesture, he had turned three days of sheer awkwardness into an awesome night. Ryan didn't want to ruin it. He wanted to watch and mock, and secretly enjoy, horrible reality TV with him, he didn't want to kill it by putting his feelings out in the open where they had no business being. _

_When Jim turned to look at him, took a deep breath and said "Hey." the thoughts went out of his head as quickly as they entered. _

_His hand held Ryan's head in place, allowing him to press all his weight into him and press his deep kisses properly. "Let's go to the bedroom," he said in a soft voice before placing another open lipped kiss on Ryan's lip. _

_He didn't realize how turned on he was until he kicked off his jeans and dropped his underwear, standing completely naked, exposed and covering Jim's mouth with his own as he waited for the man to finish undressing. When he heard Jim's belt buckle hit the floor he pressed their bodies together, gasping as they finally touched in that unmistakable way. Jim groaned and locked his arms around the smaller man, resting his hands on his hips and pulling them both back on the bed, leaving Ryan straddling his chest, kissing up and down the tall chest, savoring each and every kiss, storing every single moment in his memory. _

_Ryan wanted to make sure he was good, everything needed to be pleasurable, he needed to hide the fear that for the first time - since his first time, he really had no idea what he was doing. He had never been with a man, let alone a man he cared for. He was relieved when Jim pulled away for a second and rolled over to open the side table, retrieving a bottle of lubricant and a condom._

_Suddenly Jim was on top of him, carefully setting his weight and softly asking if it felt okay, if he was hurting him. Ryan closed his eyes and shook his head quickly as he felt the wet and warm hand gently brush up his thigh, slowly spreading a good amount onto his entrance. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, gazing deep into the brown ones as he felt the two fingers slowly enter him._

_Jim used his free arm to keep himself propped up as the hand ran carefully through the dark locks. His attempts to soothe the man weren't enough to distract from the pain and Ryan let out a small whimper. "Keep going," he whispered, determined to move past it and erase the look of concern from Jim's face._

_It didn't take long for the painful sensation to subside, allowing a pleasurable one to take it's place. Jim's fingers slipped inside, all the way to the knuckle before retracting and repeating the process. He wanted Jim more than ever. He took hold of the man's arm and pulled him closer as he wrapped his legs around his lower back._

_Jim kissed him gently as he entered, one of Ryan's hands gripped his hip and the other cupped his face, the kiss only breaking when Jim was completely inside. The two men stared into each others eyes for a few seconds before the taller man moved his hips back again. Ryan's eyes squeezed shut and he gasped at the mix of pleasure and pain._

_Before too long Jim's canting found a pleasurable speed, not too slow, but fast enough to create pleasure for both. Ryan's head tilted back as far as it could causing him to let out a loud groan at a particularly intense thrust. Jim's lips found his ear, driving Ryan crazy and making him want to touch himself at the words that came from the man's lips. Jim looked down between their meeting bodies, watching the hand wrap around the smaller man, causing him to rock faster and harder at the sight of his partner pleasuring himself. _

_It seemed as if time itself had stopped, it was only the two of them. Their groans became louder and more frequent. Jim used a free hand to pin one of Ryan's above his head, leaning down and kissing him with as much ferocity as he could muster, thrusting harder and harder into him. He was brought closer to the brink as he heard and felt Ryan groan into his mouth, feeling the man clench around him. The heated tightness he was wrapped in became too much and Jim came, breaking their kiss and burying his face in Ryan's chest, groaning as loud as possible. _

_Ryan shuddered as he felt Jim come inside of him, the sensation feeling completely surreal to him having never felt anything like it before. He held Jim on top of him, marvelling at the feel of his weight pressing in on him. Jim's lips slowly moved from his chest, up his neck and to his lips, leaving hot wet kisses along the way. Ryan could feel him softening inside and felt him pull out, immediately rolling onto his side as they continued to kiss. _

_Jim's hand slowly stroked up and down his chest and stomach, fingers brushing at the tiny trail of hair, reaching lower until he wrapped around the still hard flesh and stroked it hard and fast, watching the blue eyes roll back and enjoying the slick sounds and loud moans that filled the dimly lit bedroom. He turned his attention from the man's face and down to his erection in his hand. They both watched as Ryan ejaculated in a straight line up his chest and onto Jim's hand which continued to stroke well after._

_As both men caught their breath, completely depleted of energy, Jim hovered over the man, Ryan watched as his head disappeared, only in view with his peripheral vision, watching as he studied Ryan's half limp dick, running the same hand over the half limp length again before licking the trail of semen off his chest causing Ryan to shudder again._

_Jim laid down on his back, pulling Ryan into his chest. They shared another brief kiss, foreheads touching before Ryan buried his face in the crook of Jim's neck and sighed contently._

* * *

><p>History always had a way of repeating itself, he thought as he sat in the backyard alone. His body wanted to be stimulated, every urge inside of him told him to move, work, run, but he suppressed them, only managing to drum his fingers along the wooden arm rest of the lawn chair. He hoped that maybe the cold, fresh air would clear his head, but it did little to no help, instead, unwanted thoughts marched through his brain with a loud intensity he knew was half emotion, the other half, the drug. At first - like it always was, the drug was used to make him better. Now, he was just feeding it to himself to stop the throbbing and craving deep inside that wouldn't let up until he felt better.<p>

But he didn't.

He wasn't only losing Jim, he was losing a feeling. The feeling of knowing that he was important to someone, that he wasn't second choice or even second best. For months it was just the two of them and now he wanted more, only to pushed back out, to feel like a third wheel or a burden.

He finally had someone that was all his.

"What are you doing out here?" Jim asked, appearing from the corner of his eye into plain view. He sat down on the chair next to him, only separated by a few inches. He repressed the urge to gaze at him and ask his forgiveness, knowing it would do no good.

"Go away, Jim." He spoke quietly, no note of anger or rage in his voice, just complete and utter exhaustion, contradictory to what his pulsing body was feeling. Despite everything, he still didn't want Jim to know he was using. He had become a master of covering the tell tale signs. "Please, just leave me alone."

Jim swallowed the lump on his throat, "I don't want to."

Ryan closed his eyes and let his head drift back onto the head rest of the chair. "What do you want? To talk about it more?"

"I don't want you to leave when nothing has happened yet," he said quietly, "Nothing has changed-"

"The fact that you want change, changes things, Jim. Nothing has changed _yet_," Ryan replied, sitting up straight and looking over at the man, venom and anger making their way back into his tone and words, "If she wants to come back, you'll let her. You'll pretend nothing happened and go back to being a pathetic little bitch."

Jim shook his head in frustration as an angry look registered on his expression, "You're an asshole."

Ryan laughed sarcastically, "Yeah, okay. _I'm _an asshole."

"You are!" Jim snarled, standing to his feet, towering over the smaller man whose eyes darted up, careless. "You think everything is about you! The possibility of mending my marriage makes me an asshole because I don't want to spend the rest of my life in-and-out of messing up my life! You are an asshole, Ryan! Do you have any idea-"

"Do you have any idea what it feels like for you to go back to her?" He yelled, stumbling over his feet as he rose, pressing his hands into Jim's chest and shoving him, "I spent months getting you back to normal! She left you! You moron! She walked out on you, on her marriage! And with _one_ phone call, you're _already _planning to roll out the red carpet for her return! You're pathetic!"

Jim shoved Ryan's shoulder, "You have _no_ idea what you're talking about! God! You talk so much shit!"

"I have no idea?" Ryan screamed, "I've got a pretty good idea what it feels like to be thrown to the curb when someone you care about decides they don't want you anymore! Believe me! I know _exactly_ how it feels!"

They stood in silence for a moment, staring at each other intensely as they both collected themselves and felt the words wash over them. Jim looked at the ground, crossing his arms. He didn't know whether he felt justified in his anger any more. Ryan stepped closer and took hold of his wrist, trying his best to give them some sort of physical connection.

"You helped me when I needed you, and I helped you when you were broken." He spoke quietly, anger gone and desperation taking over, "She hurt you, she doesn't deserve you. What about me?"

Jim rubbed his hand along the man's wrist, "What about you?"

Ryan let him go, dropping his head, "That's your problem. You don't see anyone else but her. No matter how much she hurt you, you care about her more than me. After everything, you still think she is more important."

* * *

><p>He sat on the edge of his bed, forcing himself to think of the consequences of his choice. Jim knew he had to make a choice and he did. It was done, it couldn't be taken back and now all he could do was wait to see what would happen next. The knowledge that the situation could go anywhere was unsettling, but when did his plans ever run smoothly? So much had changed in a single year, it was almost impossible to know what would come next.<p>

But he had hope, because he was sure he'd made the right choice.

He walked down the hallway and gripped the handle of Ryan's door, turning it gently and slowly peering inside the dark room. The door creaked forcing him to pull back a little out of fear of waking the sleeping man. "Ryan? You awake?"

The question was rhetorical and only asked out of courtesy to give him an excuse to enter the room slowly. His feet patted on the plush carpet, taking him closer to Ryan's side of the bed. As he stepped closer the smaller man rolled over, promptly turning his back on him. Jim didn't mind, he sat down on the very edge of the bed, resting his hands in his lap. "I called Pam. I'm going through with the divorce."

When the words came out, and he finally heard his decision out loud, Jim was surprised to find himself relieved. The pain of his choice was still there, but he knew he was making the right decision. There was nothing left to repair between he and Pam, over the months his hurt and pain she inflicted had slowly eaten away at his feelings and desire to go back to the way things once were.

He frowned and looked over his shoulder, shifting slightly. He watched as Ryan's arm reached behind him, pulling the blanket aside in a gesture allowing the man into his bed. Jim smiled and crawled in, wrapping his arms around the man's middle and pulling him tightly into his chest as he noticed Ryan didn't hesitate at all. With that he placed a single kiss on the nape of the man's neck and sighed softly.


End file.
